A Day at Hogwarts: A Parody
by XxBlueSkiesxX
Summary: What would Hogwarts be like if the books were written by someone other than J.K. Rowling? Find out in A Day at Hogwarts: A Parody.
1. Harry, you're a wizard!

HARRY: It's my birthday today. *sighs* I wonder if Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia will remember. I doubt it though. When it comes to me it seems they have Alzheimer's. I just wish something will happen, something interesting, _something._

*Hagrid busts down door*

HARRY: Well, that was unexpected. Is this the something I've been waiting for? *runs to the door and hugs Hagrid* Mommy!

HAGRID: Huh? Get off me ya little bugger!

HARRY: Hmm, I guess not.

HAGRID: Hold on, is that you, young Harry?

HARRY: No, I'm Ronald the chicken.

HAGRID: Chicken? You ain't no chicken! It even says in your prophecy- *realizes he wasn't supposed to say anything about it* Er, it even says on the burger that, um, never mind.

HARRY: Prophecy? What prophecy?

HAGRID: Uhh… Prophet! That's what I meant. Harry, you're a prophet. *realizes what he just said and smacks forehead*

HARRY: Really?

HAGRID: Um, no.

HARRY: *starts to get suspicious* Who are you anyway?

HAGRID: You mean you don't know?

HARRY: Well, if I knew would I be asking you?

*Before Hagrid has time to answer, Hermione appears out of nowhere"

HERMIONE: Hi Harry!

HARRY: Who are you?

HAGRID: Hermione, you learned how to apparate! I knew you would be able to do it!

HERMIONE: (to Harry): Who's that guy?

HARRY: That's a very good question.

HAGRID: That guy is standing right here, you know.

HARRY: Oh, sorry. Okay, _that guy_, tell us who you are.

*Suddenly, a flying car comes in through the open front door, and Ron, Fred and George jump out*

RON, FRED, GEORGE: Hello Harry!!!

HARRY: Ugh, how does everyone know who I am? All these random strangers!

*Snape prowls into the room*

SNAPE: Harry Potter! 6 detentions for you because I'm bored and want to laugh at you. Oh, and 6432710432815432747012423064 points from Gryffindor for pretending you're worthy of staring at me like that!

*Dumbledore waltzes in, holding a bag of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans*

DUMBLEDORE: Ooh, paper-flavoured!

HARRY: Has the world gone mad?! *starts watching Prank Patrol on TV*

*A whole crowd of people storm into the Dursleys' house*

CEDRIC DIGGORY: Harry, I'm alive again!

REMUS LUPIN: Harry, how nice it is to see your face! *grabs Tonks and the two start making out* *brief pause* Sorry, it's the hormones. That time of the month again, you know. *resumes activity*

HARRY: Shut up, everybody! I'm trying to watch Andy pull off that really cool stunt!

*Dumbledore and Snape are wrestling on the floor*

HARRY: (to Snape) Will you stop trying to kill him?

SNAPE: Well, he started it! *pouts*

DUMBLEDORE: He said that my hat was ugly!

VOLDEMORT: It _is_ ugly!

HARRY: Ahhh! Where did you come from?

SIRIUS: Don't talk to him! He's evil! *puts hand on Harry's shoulder* I just want you to know that I'm here for you, godson.

HARRY: Why, er, thank you.

VOLDEMORT: *starts crying* I'm not evil. I'm _not_, okay? I only do what I do because that's what she told me to! *points at J.K. Rowling*

DUMBLEDORE: There, there. It's all okay. *pats Voldemort on the back*

VOLDEMORT: *sniffles* Thanks.

HARRY: *turns off TV* I can see I'm not going to be able to do anything until we resolve this mid-life crisis!

HERMIONE: Harry, you're only 11.

HARRY: Well, you know what I mean! Wait, how do you know how old I am?

HERMIONE: *blushes*

HARRY: Uh, lady… What's your name?

HERMIONE: Hermione.

VIKTOR KRUM: *pops up* No it's not! It's Hermyninny! *disappears*

HERMIONE: Pay no attention to the man wearing that Quidditch uniform.

HARRY: Alrighty then. So, Hermione, how do you know how old I am?

HERMIONE: Well… it's written all over your underwear.

HARRY: *sighs* I'm not even going to ask.

GINNY: Hey Harry, wanna play Quidditch?

HARRY: What's that?

GINNY: It's a type of bread developed by yours truly.

HARRY: I thought it was some kind of sport. Sounds familiar, too.

GINNY: Okay, you got me. It _is_ a sport.

HARRY: Yes! Do I, like, get a trophy or something for getting that right?

GINNY: No.

HARRY: Aw, shucks. Would've looked good on my report card.

UNCLE VERNON: *comes downstairs* What is the meaning of this! It's all your fault, you peabrained Potter boy! Whatever happens, it's all your fault!

SNAPE: *drunk and mourning Lily* Oh nooo!!! It's a Muggle. *points wand at Uncle Vernon* Petrificus Totalius!

*Nothing happens*

SNAPE: Uh, Ridikullus! No? Sectunsenpra! Serpegsortia! Lelicorpus!

DUMBLEDORE: Snape, you're not drunk!

HERMIONE: Nice observation.

*She and Dumbledore drag Snape out of the house*

UNCLE VERNON: You see, Potter! You are responsible for getting that man drunk even though it was me that left the beer in plain sight. It's still your fault!

MCGONAGALL: Even though it was _I_, sir.

UNCLE VERNON: Excuse me?

MCGONAGALL: You need to use good grammar or else the black plague will get you.

UNCLE VERNON: Didn't that thing pass a long time ago? Like in the Renaissance or something?

MCGONAGALL: *clucks to herself* Ignorance, ignorance. It's shameful. A Muggle doesn't even know his own history. What is this world coming to?

HERMIONE, DUMBLEDORE: We're back!

EVERYBODY: Yay.

HARRY: Okay, this has been… great and all, but I'd really like to know what's going on?

RON: What do you mean?

HARRY: I was just celebrating my birthday when a bunch of lunatics, no offense, can into the house.

PETER PETTIGREW: Oh that. Well, let me explain. *sees Sirius* Never mind. *races off*

SIRIUS: I'll get you yet! *goes to chase Pettigrew*

HARRY: Would anyone else like to volunteer their liver- I mean, an answer?

NEVILLE: What'll I get if I do?

HARRY: A punch in the eye and a kick where the sun doesn't shine if you don't.

NEVILLE: *meekly* Alright. So, the reason we're here is because-

HERMIONE: Oh for goodness sake, this'll take all night. The reason why we're here-

HARRY: Yes?

HAGRID: -is because-

HARRY: Uh huh? Go on…

SNAPE: *runs into the room* You're a wizard, Harry!

HARRY: I'm a what?

FRED: Didn't you hear? A wizard!

*Harry faints*

GEORGE: Quick Somebody, call the firefighters!

*Hermione whispers in George's ear*

GEORGE: Er, someone call the cops!

HERMIONE: Oh, for goodness sake! Someone call an ambulance!

GEORGE: I knew that.

* * *

**AN: Hi guys. So, as you can see, this is my version of the events that happened in the Harry Potter books, which I adore. Notice there are also references to The Wizard of Oz and Back to the Future in this chapter. I'm just having a little fun with this, and nothing is to be taken seriously. It's just pure randomness that comes from my crazy, messed up brain. Tell me what you think of it. Reviews are very welcome. :)**


	2. Harry, you're a wizard! Part Two

HARRY: *has recovered from faint*: So, I'm really a wizard?

RON: No, you're actually an alien from the planet Deraf who accidentally flew a spaceship onto the Earth. There, you were adopted by your uncle Vernon and your aunt Petunia when their cat took pity on you.

HARRY: Oh, that would explain a lot!

RON: In case you didn't know, that was sarcasm.

HARRY: I see. Well, no, I don't actually see. I hear.

RON: *rolls eyes*

*Madame Hooch comes in, holding a Nimbus 2000 broomstick*

MADAME HOOCH: Harry, it's time you learned how to fly!

HARRY: Awesome! That's a sick broomstick.

*Madame Pomfrey materializes*

MADAME POMFREY: Did someone say they were sick?

HARRY: Uh, no, I was just saying-

MADAME POMFREY: *gasps* You're sick! Well, you've come to the right person.

HARRY: I thought it was you who came to me...

MADAME POMFREY: Shut- I mean, hush up, dearie, you're sick. *starts forcing Skele-Gro down Harry's throat*

HARRY: Mmph!!!

RON: Uh, Madame Pomfrey, he's not sick.

MADAME POMFREY: He's not?

RON: No.

MADAME POMFREY: *panics* What have I done?!

*Ron and Madame Pomfrey look frantically at Harry*

HARRY: *guzzling down Skele-Gro* Mm, this is so good! Where can I get more?

RON, MADAME POMFREY: *stares*

*Hermione pops up*

HERMIONE: Don't worry, I know what to do! *goes up to Harry* Harry! You should know better than to do such evil things! *tries to take Skele-Gro away from him*

HARRY: (to audience): You see, they don't understand! They don't understand what it's like to be me. But what do they know, what it's like to be a recovering alcoholic?

HERMIONE, RON, MADAME POMFREY: You were an alcoholic?

HARRY: Ye- I mean, no. No way. Me, an alcoholic? How could you think so lowly of me? I can't believe you would betray me like that! *starts crying*

*Dumbledore walks into the room*

DUMBLEDORE: Pom Pom, dear, you should know better than to upset a _special_ kid such as Harry Potter.

MADAME POMFREY: Yes, master. Sorry, master.

DUMBLEDORE: That's more like it. So, let us now go and prance in urine-colored fields, muddy brown puddles and mucus-covered roads back at Hogwarts.

HERMIONE: Wow, way to encourage people to come to our school.

DUMBLEDORE: I can't help it. That's the way the solar system works. And besides, witches and wizards know that our school is the best. They'll come, don't you worry.

HARRY: *stops crying* But aren't there other schools of witchcraft and wizardry?

DUMBLEDORE: Yes, but everyone comes to Hogwarts. And if they choose to go elsewhere… They will suffer the consequences. *evil glare* So, Harry, my dear boy, what do you think about attending Hogwarts?

HARRY: *gulps* Do I have a choice?

DUMBLEDORE: No, but I'm asking you because it's the polite thing to do. So, that's great! I hope to see you bright and early on September 1st. And don't forget your lunch. *grabs Madame Pomfrey and the two disapparate*

HERMIONE: *rolls eyes* Harry, I'm sorry about that. Dumbledore can come on very strong. Ever since he's been hitting all the night clubs, well, things just haven't been the same.

HARRY: Uh huh…

HERMIONE: Never mind. *turns around and sees Hagrid* Hey, look who it is!

*Hagrid runs up to Harry and Hermione*

HAGRID: *pants* Sorry, I was running a bit late. You know how things are like, now, right? All those Dementors flying around…

HARRY: What's a Dementor?

HAGRID: (to himself) Oh shoot. That's only in the third book. *loudly* So, Harry, let's go get you some materials for Wizard school!

*Hermione coughs pointedly*

HAGRID: My bad. Wizard and witch school!

HERMIONE: That's better. But you need to capitalize the W in witch.

HAGRID: Fine! Wizard and Witch school! Can we go now?

HERMIONE: No. *sees Hagrid's death glare* Yes.

HARRY: Yes!! *pumps his fist*

*Hagrid, Harry, Ron and Hermione get onto Hagrid's motorcycle, and they start flying*

*Hedwig catches up to them, and flies with them*

HARRY: Hey, lookie, an owl!

HAGRID: *mutters to self* Shoot!

HARRY: *looking at Hedwig* (to Hagrid) What's that you were saying?

HAGRID: Food!

HARRY: *distractedly* Mm… That's nice.

HAGRID: (To self) Whew! *whispers to Hedwig to go back to pet store so that they can buy her and the plot can go on normally* *Hedwig disappears*

HARRY: Aww, I wiked that weetle birdie. *pouts*

HERMIONE: Don't worry, I think you'll see her again soon.

HARRY: How would you know?

HERMIONE: *spookily* Because I see everything.

*Madame Trelawney suddenly appears, levitating next to them*

MADAME TRELAWNEY: No you don't! Your soul is as dried up as an old milk maid's! And besides, that's my line. You stole my line!! *starts prophesizing* You will marry Neville Longbottom!!! *disappears*

RON: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?

HERMIONE: I thought I was supposed to marry Ro- *sees Ron staring at her* Harry!

HARRY: WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I'm marrying Ginny!

RON: You son of a wizard! I can't believe this! You're marrying my sister?! *catches Harry dreaming about Hedwig* And cheating on her with Hedwig? Why, you little…

HAGRID: Okay, settle down now, kids. *does a memory charm on them so that they would forget everything that just happened*

HERMIONE: (thinking aloud) Hmm, I feel as though something strange just happened, but I can't remember what. *sighs* Anyways, Hagrid, have you seen Crookshanks? I haven't seen him for a few days.

HAGRID: I'm sorry, no.

HERMIONE: *starts bawling* I'm *sniffles* just so *sniffles* worried about him!

*Hagrid's backpack starts meowing*

HAGRID: *nervously* Uh, don't mind that. That's just my meow collection.

*Crookshanks jumps out of the backpack *

HERMIONE: Crookshanks! Oh, my delightful little furry friend, I missed you so much!

HARRY: *back to dreaming about Hedwig* Uh huh… Wait, what?

HERMIONE: *ignores Harry* Oh, Crookshanks. *kisses him*

RON: *starts coughing up fur balls* Eww!

HERMIONE: (to Crookshanks) Aww, Crooky crooks, don't mind him. He's just jealous.

RON: Am not.

HERMIONE: Are too.

RON: AM NOT!!!

HERMIONE: ARE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RON: *meekly* Am too.

HERMIONE: That's better. (to Hagrid) Hey, what was Crooky doing with you anyways?

HAGRID: (thinking to himself) Food for Buckbeak. (aloud, to Hermione) Oh, ya know, I was gonna take him to visit the zoo, see the animals, that kind of stuff.

HERMIONE: *buys the explanation, even though there's no zoo anywhere near Hogwarts or Hogsmeade* Oh, how sweet!

HAGRID: (thinking to himself) Whew!

HERMIONE: I'm so glad you want to spend some quality time with my dear Shanky-poo! Why don't we go see a movie together some day, all three of us, plus Harry and Ron?

HAGRID: *groans inwardly, grins outwardly* That would be fantastic!

*Hermione beams*

RON: *points* Hey, look! We're almost there!

HARRY: There where?

RON: No, not there where. There there!

HERMIONE: You've lost me.

HAGRID: Goshdarnit, we are there there.

HARRY, HERMIONE: Where???

RON: Diagon Alley!

* * *

**AN: Well, there you have it! The second chapter. Hmm... I wonder if I should up the rating of this story from K+ to T. There's not much, if any at all, mature content, but maybe just in case... Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter. More to come, hopefully soon. :)**


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